Tell me the Truth
by JoeyDe
Summary: Tommy wants to know why Oliver thought that taking his girlfriend's sister on a trip to China was a good idea.
1. The Truth a Matter of Perspective

Chapter 1: The Truth a matter of perspective

Tommy had been struggling with this thought for months. Almost for as long as Ollie had been back. He still wasn't sure if asking his friend the question that has been bothering him for years was a good idea, but he needed to know. He needed to know because none of it made any sense to him. And at the same time it made every bit of sense, and he thought he should've known. But he still needed to ask the dreaded question, to know the reason why.

Why Sara?

Tommy was and always had been well aware of the fact that his best friend was anything but faithful to his girlfriend. And it was also a known fact that Sara had enjoyed any type of fun as much as the boys. But Tommy had consistently believed that there was an unspoken rule when it came to the blonde; they made sure that she was okay whenever she went out with them, that she'd eventually got home safe (and not just because Quentin Lance was scary and they had no trouble believing that he would kill them if something happened to his baby girl on their watch) and that she was fine with whoever was making her their conquest of the night (or better said thought she was their conquest when in reality it was usually the other way around. Sara had always had mad game). But to keep their own hands off of her. Sara was Laurel's baby sister, someone they had known for years, their friend, practically family. Which should've made her as much off limits as Thea was right now.

When he had first learnt that not only Oliver but also Sara had been on the Gambit, he couldn't believe the implications. Oliver probably just took her along because Sara had always been jealous of the two of them being able to travel the world while she was stuck in Starling. There was no way that they would betray Laurel like that. Both Ollie and Sara loved the brunette. He knew that. Everybody knew that. So no, everyone was wrong. They had to be. Besides, he would have known if the two of them were screwing. He was at every party they were. There was no way that he wouldn't have noticed something as huge and wrong as that. Looking back now, he had to admit that he had been in huge denial. It only took him a couple of days to realize that the signs had been there all along. He had just been too stupid and naïve to notice. He should have noticed. He had to admit now that he had found out about their affair, that they had been pretty fucking obvious about it. The amount of times that they both seemed to have disappeared at a party for long periods of time, or the countless times they left a party together even though both of them had shown up to it with other people… or that time that he had called Ollie on a weekday and he could make out Sara's voice in the background, when they both should have been at their respective colleges hundreds of miles apart from each other.

He had felt like a fool.

He just didn't know what the hell they had been thinking. Oliver was known to have done some stupid shit, but this just topped everything, even the time he had peed on a cop! (which had been epic but also idiotic) They were talking about banging Sara for crying out loud! Oliver had been screwing his girlfriend's fucking kid sister! Behind her back! For a hell of a lot longer than he first thought. And they should've been. He just couldn't figure out what his best friend had been thinking! And he needed to know. He needed to know why Sara. Why he had taken their friend, his girlfriend's fucking sister, with him. Why Sara was dead. Not that he blamed Oliver for what happened. There's no way anyone could've known that the Gambit would sink. He had never blamed his friend for the accident that lead to her death.

The first time Tommy had learnt about Sara Lance's existence had been shortly after he and Ollie had met Laurel. Their new friend had complained about her annoying baby sister, with a special talent of getting into trouble on an almost daily basis. It took a couple of months until the two of them finally met the by then infamous, youngest Lance. A tiny little blonde thing, with huge cerulean eyes and freckles, that looked like an angel and at first appearance seemed to be incapable of getting into as much trouble as her older sister claimed.

It took less than 30 minutes for the boys to alter their first impression. Sara was a little smartass with a quick wit that had made it her goal in life to annoy her older sister as much as humanly possible. For years she was nothing more than Laurel's sassy kid sister with an explosive temper. He and especially Ollie loved to provoke her because honestly pissed off Sara was as hilarious as she was adorable, trying to attack the taller and stronger boys, usually without a lot of success. But Tommy had to admit that she got them good a few times though, vicious little beast that she had been.

It wasn't until Sara hit her teens she became more than that, an actual partner in crime. Once she hung out with them and came up with her fair share of stupid, crazy ideas that would get them all in a shitload of trouble. Ollie and she had the tendency to egg each other on, which was never a good thing; fun, crazy, wild, but it usually ended up with Sara grounded and Ollie arrested on more than one occasion.

If Sara was dead just because Ollie couldn't resist the forbidden fruit, the one woman was completely off limits for too many reasons to count, Tommy didn't know what he would do or what that knowledge would do to his friendship with Oliver. He could've taken any woman with him. Why had it had to have been Sara?

Tommy slowly approached his friend, who was sitting in the Queen's living room. He had planned on having this conversation a few times before but had always lost his nerve, not knowing how this new version of his best friend, who sometimes seemed like a stranger to him, would react.

"Hey Ollie, can we talk?" He got straight to the point.

"Tommy, hi. Sure." Oliver looked up and appeared slightly confused by his question, even more so when Tommy decided to sit opposite him, fidgeting with his hands.

"Look I've been meaning to ask you this for a while but I never knew how to bring it up… still don't honestly but I just need to know…" Tommy started to ramble and Oliver's face went from friendly yet confused to the emotionless mask he had seen several times since his return. The old Ollie would've interrupted him, told him to spit it out already, made some stupid comment while grinning at him, but this new version was staring straight at him grimly, waiting him out. Which was very unnerving and almost lead to him back paddling. But he just needed to know. He didn't know why it was so important to him, but it was. He took a deep breath before just spitting it out (like old Ollie would've told him to).

"Why Sara?"

He studied Oliver, waiting for a reaction, any reaction, but Oliver's face gave nothing away. It was almost as if Oliver had anticipated the question. Tommy half expected Oliver not to answer after his friend sat across from him in silence for what felt like hours. Until: "Tommy…" Oliver took a deep breath and looked away for a moment. "What do you want me to say?" He turned back to him with a questioning look, trapping Tommy's eyes with a steely blue-eyed stare.

"The truth Oliver. Why Sara? You could've had any woman. Why sleep with the one that you shouldn't have under any circumstances gotten involved with? Why would you sleep with your girlfriend's sister? I just can't figure out what you were thinking. What both of you were thinking?" Tommy's voice took on an accusing edge.

"The truth…" Oliver repeated ending with an emotionless chuckle, his voice was cold, void of any emotions which made Tommy shiver.

"She was fun, uncomplicated, expected nothing from me but to show her a good time. She was wild, and free and so damn naughty. You wouldn't believe the things she let me do to her or came up with. Fucking her was the fastest and most certain way to sabotage my relationship with Laurel given the fact that I wasn't ready to commit to her the way she wanted me to." Tommy felt the bile rise in his throat at his best friend's callous words. Sara was dead because Oliver had used her as a means to end things with Laurel? Because he had commitment issues and was too much of a coward to tell her?! Tommy was just about to respond when Oliver continued.

"Because screwing her was the best and fastest way, I could come up with to get out of moving in with Laurel, given the fact that I was too much of a coward to tell her I wasn't ready for that step. While promising her younger sister that she would never find out about us and the trip. All the while knowing that I was lying to her. Laurel figuring out what had been going on between us behind her back was part of the plan from the beginning. She's dead because I'm a selfish asshole who doesn't give a shit about anyone but myself and I didn't care that I was ruining the relationship between two sisters."

Every word he said felt like a physical blow to Tommy. Oliver's face still didn't show any emotions except for his eyes they were a cold icy blue. Yet, his voice was calm, not betraying anything but cut like a knife none the less. A part of Tommy just wanted him to stop. He was wrong, he didn't want to know anymore. He should've never asked. But Oliver kept talking.

"She always knew how to have a great time. I messed around with her and pretty much meant to hit it and quit it. How could I have known she was such an excellent fuck, there was literally almost nothing that she wasn't willing to do, so I got addicted to her. She was the ride of my fucking life."

Tommy got up disgusted with Oliver and the way he acted as if it didn't matter. Not showing any emotion, not even a little remorse. As if he didn't care about the fact that their friend was dead. He needed to leave, put some distance between himself and the complete stranger in front of him who was talking about their dead friend as if she had been some stupid fucking toy that he had broken and not a person they cared about that had died. He was almost out the living room door when Oliver suddenly spoke again. But this time was different.

"It should have been me."

The sound of Oliver's voice made him stop and turn around. He barely recognized the whisper as his friend's, which was suddenly the opposite of the cold, emotionless enunciation from before. Now it seemed to convey too many emotions.

His breath hitched the moment he saw the younger man's face. The mask was gone. Oliver was staring into the air as if he were looking at something important, precious even. There was so much sadness on his face and the anguish in his eyes and voice nearly brought Tommy to his knees and he could feel tears spring to his eyes. He wanted to turn back around and walk away. He didn't want to see this. He didn't want the truth anymore. He didn't want to see just how broken his best friend was. How much losing Sara obviously hurt him. But he couldn't move, and he couldn't look away.

"It should have been me" He repeated with more conviction.

"If I could take her place, I would. I swear. I'd take it in less than a heartbeat. It was my fault. Everything that happened was my fault. She's dead because of me. Because I broke my promise. Because I couldn't save her. It was my fault. She should have been home years ago. She should've come home. All she wanted was to come home… It should've been me. She didn't deserve to die. She didn't want to die." Oliver trailed off for a moment. Closing his eyes as if he were seeing something in his mind's eye before opening them again and continuing: "She was worried about the thunderstorm, scared even, and I made fun of her. Not caring about her feelings. Only about myself and the fact that I had her in my bed, all to myself." His friend's voice sounded disgusted with himself.

"I promised her we would be fine… the last words I spoke to her before the Gambit capsized were a lie. She's dead because I didn't save her. She reached and called for me, and I let her die. I'll never forget the way she sounded, how scared she looked in that moment, right before she was pulled under. I should've made sure she was safe… she should never have been there… she should have gotten to safety… she'll never know that I…" Oliver's voice seemed to break at the end, his gaze was far away and his hand twitched as if he were trying to reach out.

God, Oliver sounded so broken. What he was saying meant that he had actually watched Sara die. He watched their childhood friend die and he couldn't save her. Tommy couldn't even imagine what that must have done to Oliver. He saw their Sara die! How could Oliver deal with that? God, he had no idea. He felt his heart break for his best friend and what this must have done to him.

"It should have been me. There hasn't been a day since she died that I didn't wish that I could trade my life for hers." The last part was so quiet that he almost didn't hear it.

Tommy held his breath, waiting to see if Oliver would say more. But the Queen heir stayed quiet, still staring at nothing. Tommy took a step towards him. This seemed to break the spell and shake Ollie from his trancelike state and he turned his head towards him, looking as if he just now noticed that he wasn't alone. The mask was instantly put back on. But he didn't quiet manage to hide his emotions behind it this time. The agonizing pain in his eyes remained. Tommy stood frozen to the spot, his arm still raised to put a comforting hand on Oliver's shoulder, not knowing what he should do. Almost wishing he had never asked in the first place. This was not what he had expected. Not what he had wanted. He hadn't realized that answering would mean that his best friend had to relive it. Relive the horror of that fateful night that took their friend from them.

Watch her die again.

Oliver suddenly stood up and left the room without another word. Stiffly moving past his mother and sister who stood in the other doorway looking as stunned as Tommy felt. It was while watching his friend walk away that Tommy realized that Oliver had never said Sara's name. Not once.


	2. The Truth

Chapter 2: The Truth

Summary:

The truth… the truth was the one thing he couldn't tell his best friend. Because after five years, he wasn't sure what the truth was anymore.  
He didn't want to have this conversation.

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

"Why Sara?" That was the million dollar question, wasn't it? A question he's been asking himself countless times in the last five years.

Why was Sara the one who had to die?

Why did he take her with him?

Why had he ever crossed that thin line between friendship and whatever it was the two of them turned into behind Laurel's back or later on Lian Yu… he could see her smiling face across the fire in the fuselage for a split second and hear the echo of her voice _"… I had this embarrassing crush on you…"_ God he hadn't known. He had no idea that she had been in love with him long before they started their affair before he started dating Laurel even… He should've known. She was one of his best friends. He should've noticed…

_"… don't talk to me like I'm other people you have that look on your face…" _

"… _because I am guilty…" _

"…_love's the most powerful emotion…" _

He could make out the ghost of a conversation from years ago and it took him a moment to come back to the presence and to remember that Tommy was still waiting for him to answer his very loaded question. Why Sara… why indeed. Excellent question. No easy answer.

"What do you want me to say?" It was a copout. Answer a question with another question. Part of him hoped that Tommy would drop it the other part that knew better hoped that Tommy would give him an inkling of what answer he was expecting to get. It would make it easier for him if he knew what Tommy hoped for. It had taken him long enough to broach the subject.

"The truth."

The truth… the truth was the one thing he couldn't tell his best friend. Because after five years, he wasn't sure what the truth was anymore. He no longer knew the boy he had been back then, nor understood the person he used to be before the Gambit, wasn't sure about that stranger's reasoning. He knew what she meant to him now… after their time together on Lian Yu. What he wouldn't do to go back and save her. Listen to her and just grab and hold on to her hand and never let go, take her to the submarine, Anatoly and safety.

"… _I don't want to die…"_ take her home like she wanted to, begged him to _"… I just want to see my family…"_ to keep his promise.

But he couldn't tell Tommy that because he had promised her he wouldn't. And what he couldn't do was break that one last promise. Not after all the others he wasn't able to keep.

"… _we're going to be fine… we'll find a way off of the island…". _

He didn't want to have this conversation.

Oliver had waited for him to bring her up, had expected him to, so this was not surprising but he just couldn't… he couldn't tell Tommy the truth because he was incapable of handling it. He couldn't have this conversation not now maybe never. Talking to Helena about her had almost been too much. Saying her name for the first time in years while he was looking at her grave had hurt so damn much. He couldn't… not with Tommy looking at him. Just thinking about her hurt. He was sure he'd fall apart if he said her name now because Tommy was a different. He had known her, cared for her, loved her like he loved Speedy like a sister. Oliver knew that he wouldn't be able to push his emotions away talking to his best friend about a woman who had been an integral part of their lives from the age of seven. He needed to end this conversation before Tommy asked anymore questions that would break him. That would make it impossible to keep that one last promise he had made her;

"_let them remember me the way that I was."_

So that's what he did. He gave Tommy the easy answer, reminding him of who and how Sara used to be and making sure that the subject would be dropped as soon as possible. Oliver made sure to hide all of his emotions, not giving anything away. Recounting the simplest version of events… that may or may not have been true at the time, he could no longer recall the thoughts behind his actions. Couldn't remember a time when Sara didn't mean the world to him. Where he wouldn't give his life and sell what was left of his soul just for her to be alive.

"She always knew how to have a great time. I messed around with her and pretty much meant to hit it and quit it. How could I have known she was such an excellent fuck, there was literally almost nothing that she wasn't willing to do, so I got addicted to her. She was the ride of my fucking life." He mused how his plan worked better than expected, watching the disgust and disbelieve in his best friend's eyes right before the older man turned around to leave. He should let him go thinking he didn't care. It was better this way… easier…

"It should've been me." But a part of him couldn't stand the thought of Tommy hating him just like Laurel and Mr. Lance did. The whispered words left his mouth without his awareness.

"It should've been me." There was strength in his voice now, conviction. It was a fact, a truth, a statement.

Watching Sara be swept away in his mind's eye. Her hand stretched towards him. He could hear her voice desperately calling his name. The two different times overlapping almost mocking him. Reminding him that he had been given a second chance to save her and he had still failed. His pride and need to save Slade clouding his judgment. He should have listened to her. Killed Ivo when he had the chance. Gotten Sara from the freighter and left with Anatoly. It was his fault.

"…_I was the one who said yes…"_ the ghost of her voice reminded him that maybe not the first time when the Gambit went down. But the second time was on him.

"_I need you to be save."_ He had failed. He had given Anatoly the order to blow up the freighter. He was responsible for her death.

"_I just want to go home. I want to see my family. Ollie please, I don't want to die."_ He felt his heart constrict painfully.

"_I don't want to die."_ How many times had her desperate, pleading voice been haunting his nights.

"_I don't want to die."_ Sara shouldn't have been the one who died. She should've been home years ago, not rotting on the bottom of the North China Sea… or maybe her body had been eaten by the sharks that had shown up while he was in Hongkong. The thought made him sick to his stomach.

Beautiful, brave, strong, compassionate Sara… god he missed her. Missed her so damn much. Missed how she used to tease him about dropping out of college or his lack of scientific knowledge. Missed her sweet, innocent, childish nature. Missed the way she trusted him completely even after everything that had happened. The way her smile would light up an entire room.

There was no point in analyzing his feelings for the youngest Lance and putting a name to them. She was gone and all he knew was thinking about her hurt like hell. More so than any torture he endured during his five years away from home.

Laurel and the thought of going home to her and fixing what his foolishness broke was what got him through it, what kept him going. But Sara had been the one he had longed for during the lonely nights, remembering her presence by his side on Lian Yu, their companionship, wishing she was still there with him. Fierce and strong and so damn determined to keep him alive, to go back home to her family.

If only he could go back, go back and save her. Cherish her the way she deserved.

God, she never knew. She died never knowing just how much she meant to him. No one would ever know how important she was to him. Just how much losing her that second time hurt. How many nights he had spent saving her in his sleep just to awaken to the cold, harsh reality of her being gone forever, of a world without her and all of it being his fault.

"It should have been me. There hasn't been a day since she died that I didn't wish that I could trade my life for hers."

His brave, foolish, stubborn and loyal Sara. _"Not without you."_

He was ripped from his memories when he noticed Tommy move towards him and lift his hand as if he would touch him. He couldn't let that happen. He couldn't… his emotions were too raw. He was too close to losing his control, too close to falling apart. He got up without a word and walked out the door, passing his mother and sister on the way. He needed to leave; he needed to be alone. All the emotions he had taken years to burry were right back at the surface, just as they had been during his lie detector test. He still felt guilty about using Sara's death as a means to cheat the machine.

"_I killed your daughter."_ It was the truth, but still it felt wrong.

Oliver locked the door behind him once he stepped into his bedroom. He went to open all of his windows. Desperately breathing in the fresh air. Trying to calm the storm of emotions raging inside of him. He needed… he needed to see her. To remember her the way she was. He just needed to ban the image of the water devouring her from his mind. At least for the moment. He went to his computer and opened a familiar folder. He knew exactly what he was looking for; it wasn't the first time after all. He clicked on the video file and Sara's frozen image graced his screen. He had taken it just weeks before the Gambit. They had snuck away for a weekend in Ivy Town. Stayed in one of his family's homes. He clicked the play button and watched the carefree blonde smile at him from the screen. Dancing in the kitchen in nothing but her panties and a t-shirt. The sight made him smile.

He put the video on repeat. Desperately trying to ingrain this version of her into his mind and hoping that maybe it would chase the memories of her dying right in front of him from his mind. Erase the horror forever.

"… _I don't want to die…I just want to go home..."_

Notes:

/dgE3u6Mc2Ck


End file.
